Lessons

I had a few lessons last night:
#1 - If your child falls asleep at 7:00, especially if he's not had dinner, you are not getting the nice long relaxing night you think you are. 
#2 - When said child wakes up at 10:00, you are not going to be able to just put them back to bed.  They will trick you into going to sleep for about 5 more minutes, and then wake up asking for dinner.
#3 - Somehow, at 10:30 at night, you discover that apparently, that's the time of the day where your child is the sweetest and most polite. 
#4 - Laying in bed with your child at 11:00, talking and giggling is the sweetest thing ever.

#5 -  The most important one is #4 and needs to happen much more often.  Well, maybe not at 11:00 pm too often.

How could I have forgotten?  How could I let myself get so caught up in life, that I can't remember the last time I really spent uninterrupted time with my Ty-Guy without any distractions?   How many times have people told me that Trevor's illness/death taught them to cherish the time with their kids?  And I haven't learned the same lesson.  Or at least forgot for awhile.   Lesson learned.

And then I wake up to find out that Baby Knox, died early this morning.  I don't know the family at all, but how I wish I could talk to them.   "Welcome" them to this awful club.  To tell them, that if, no matter how horrible and hurt they are feeling now, or anytime in the coming days/months/weeks/years, that if they hold a firm grasp on the faith I have seen in their posts on Caringbridge, they will make it.  He is in control of the uncontrollable.  Even if we don't understand.  Please keep this family in prayers. 

Tynan

I know, posting 2 days in a row, but this time of year gets me thinking and rambling.  As I think about the past few years, I can't help but focus on Tynan and wonder about things.  While, I try not to do the "what if" game too often, it happens sometimes.  What if Trevor had never gotten AML?  What if he'd survived it?  What would our lives be like?  Like I said, I try not to go down that road very often because it kinda makes me a bit crazy.  But I can't help but think of a couple of things.  Like before he got sick, Trevor wanted a sibling.  Well, he wanted a sister named Lou-lou who lived in his room and slept in his bed.  :)  He told me that we needed to go to the baby store and get a baby.  When I told him that God puts babies in Mommies tummies, his remark was, "Well, you should tell God to put one in your tummy!"  Frankly, at that time, I was pretty sure I didn't want anymore kids, and that having Trevor was enough.  I am not so good at being pregnant, and I selfishly thought that I couldn't do that again.  So, I dare ask myself, if Trevor hadn't gotten sick, would we have Tynan?  I honestly can say that I really don't know.  I look at him and can't imagine not having him.  God gave us this funny, quirky, little kid who makes me laugh (and pull my hair out) multiple times a day.  This kid has endless energy, yet will stop and give hugs and kisses that can make you melt.  He loves to snuggle, and will randomly walk up to you and just give you a hug.  And he really doesn't care if he knows you or not.  Trevor was not a snuggly kid on his own.  He would give you a hug/kiss and say I love you, but mostly when asked.  He was not one to want to sit on your lap, he wanted to sit next to you.   Ty, as in so many things, is completely different.  His hugs hurt sometimes, though.  Not just because those bony little elbows and knees can find ever tender spot you have, but because sometime when my arms are full of this little guy, I will sometimes try to imagine what holding both my boys together would be like.  When those times happen, it makes me hold on a little tighter, and be so grateful that I was blessed to be his Mommy and that God knew I would need a snuggly little one. 
I can't help but think of the future, because over the next year, a weird thing is going to happen.  My second born, will pass the age of my first born.  Try wrapping your brain around that.  Sure, Ty and Trevor are very different kids, but up and until now, we've done these stages.  Yet once Ty hits 4 1/2, it's all totally new.  We first became parents over 10 years ago, but we've never had a first day of school, a loose tooth, or taught a child to ride a bike.  It's like he's our second first kid.  His older brother will forever be younger then him.  Also, I kind of anticipate that within the next year or so, Tynan will start asking more questions about Trevor.  Right now, he's noticed that there are pictures and things that aren't his, and we've sort of talked about his brother in heaven, but there's got to be a time where he really realizes that most people have their brothers living with them.
It makes me so sad for him.  My heart breaks when I think about him and all the other siblings out there that have never met their brothers or sisters, or had to see them sick and experience loosing them.  I have a few friends that lost siblings as children, and a couple have have said that it really made them who they are, and helped shape them into the adults they have become, but we've never really gotten into how it made them feel as a child.  How will this effect Tynan?  I don't know.  I'm probably over-thinking and over analyzing it.    Especially now when Ty is fairly oblivious to it.
<Sigh>  Oh well.  I've rambled on quite enough for now.  Going to go get a few things done and then snuggle and play with my little man.  He's currently "cooking" for all of his stuffed friends and all the kitchen chairs are in a circle around his little table in the living room.  Oh, the adventures of Tynan.  

Another Year

You know, I started to write about another year going by since diagnosis.  Another year since our lives were changed, blah, blah, blah, blah!!  And then my sweet, crazy little Tynan made me laugh, and all that just went out the window!  (He had to hug and kiss his ipod goodnight before going to bed!)
 Yes, it's been another year since hearing those hated words, and my life is forever changed.  But if I really stop and think about it, there is a lot of good that has happened not only in spite of loosing Trevor, but probably even because of it.  I have some amazing friends who are so amazingly supportive, and don't tire of me talking about Trevor.  I have an empathy for sick kids and their families that I really don't think I'd have if not for experiencing the hospital life and his death.  I sure didn't have it before.  It sounds bad, but I would hear about a story, think "oh that's sad" and maybe I'd say a little prayer for them, and then likely not think about it again.  Boy, has that changed.  I hate that I ever felt differently.   I've learned from my friends how much listening, or little notes or prayers or laughs help SO much when a child is sick or times are hard.  It doesn't take much, but it's so meaningful.  I've learned that there doesn't need to be a wall between you and the world, that sharing how you are really feeling is not a bad thing all the time.  that there are people who really listen and really care.  And sometimes it's not who you think it's going to be.  And I've learned that no matter where you think your life is going, it can sure be turned around in a very short time. 

Cancer sucks.

Is it wrong that I have to make myself read about yet another little one with cancer?  I can't, I just can't.  Am I just as bad as those who stick their heads in the sand, and pretend it doesn't happen?  *Sigh*  I just don't know.  I currently have 5 kids that I closely follow their journeys, although 2 are NED right now.  These are the kids that I pray for when I'm feeling sorry for myself.  The kids whose parents and siblings I plead for them to have many, many more days, weeks, months, and years with their kids.  And yet here is another one.  I don't know them and only heard of them today.  A friend of a friend who's baby was diagnosed at 7 months old and is now just barely a year old.   And today they had to hear that the cancer has spread.   So I guess that makes 6 kids.  Kate, Cooper, Wyatt, Cashy, Katie and now Knox.   I guess it's really 7 when you include Zoe.  Zoe:  a 3 year old bundle of crazy energy, who is just so alive that when I see her, I forget how she spent her first year of life.  I want them all to have Zoe's story.

Please pray for little Knox and his family.  http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/knoxthomas