The ups and downs just keep coming. Sorta. I guess the lows aren't as low. This week has been ok for the most part. Some days feeling great, and others just feeling blah. (The Carrie definition of blah is grumpy and annoyed about pretty much everything, tired and just want to stay glued to the couch.) I guess the "great" has outweighed the "blah", but I find myself wondering if this is it. How long will I wake up and wonder which me will show up, the blah or the good, or is this just what I will always be like. Maybe it was how I've always been, but hid it so well that I didn't even realize. I probably shouldn't write anything when I feel like I do today. It's probably the weather. I guess the good thing is, that most of the time when I'm feeling blah, I can now usually push myself a bit and get some things accomplished, and sometimes that makes me feel better. Sometimes. That's what I'm hoping for today.
I'm also trying to hold on to the fact that I noticed a few good things today. #1 - 2 days this week, both Sunday and Tuesday, I felt great for pretty much the whole day without having to push myself that much. I was productive, and could genuinely say that I was doing well when I was asked and I didn't have to stop and think about it. #2 - I haven't had to take any of my "rescue" medication in almost 2 weeks. I have my regular daily doses of medication, but I've barely even thought about the other stuff. Any anxiety I've felt was minor, and could be taken care of with some prayer, deep breaths and a little lavender oil. #3 - I'm wearing sweats, and haven't showered yet, but I did get out of my PJ's. I've done 2 emails, done a little work, fed Tynan and the dogs, and done 1 load of laundry. All before noon. That's improvement, I guess.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Calming the Storm
I've started to keep sort of a verse journal of those Bible verses that touch me or jump out at me. Obviously, the whole God breathed Bible is all good, but it always seems that certain verses or stories really speak to me at different times in life. When one does, I now write it down in the journal so that I can re-read them all during a quiet time or even more often so, in a time when my anxiety is high. When it's bad, I really can't read my Bible because everything just sort of blurs together and makes no sense, like I'm just grasping at straws but if I read those verses that are special to me one by one, it helps bring my head in to focus some. The great thing is that I'm starting to get more verses memorized in the process.
These verses "come to me" many different ways: at church, on Facebook, in my devotional time, from a random song that will pop into my head or a snippet of a verse that will come to mind. (Thank goodness for Google, so I can search for the verse when I only have a few words put together in my memory.) I listen to multiple church podcasts, so they can come from that, or any books that I'm reading. I just never know how one will jump out at me, and grab my heart.
It seemed like for a couple of weeks, there has been a common theme in may of the different areas of my life. I just kept hearing different stories, verses or podcast sermons that had to do with "calming the storm" or "the storms of life", sometimes literally and sometimes more figuratively. One of the verses that I wrote in my journal is Psalm 107:28-29, Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. That theme of calming the storm is repeated often in the Bible, and I found it swirling in my head.
Then a few days ago, a friend of mine who is a nurse posted this on Facebook, "My totally confused, 98 year old, 89 pound little bit of spice patient grabbed my hand and told me, in her sweet Georgian accent- Sometimes the dear Lord calms the storm, but sometimes He let it be, and instead calms His child."
Wow, is that not a little sermon in one sentence? I now have a little bit of focus on this subject, and though its not a new idea, it brought me a little more clarity and a bit more understanding. Although there is much more to think and pray about. The storms of life are hard, but instead of just asking Him to calm the storm, why not ask to be calmed in the midst of the storm? Being calm in the midst of anxiety and depression sounds more then a bit odd I know, but I guess part of what I'm feeling is acceptance that I'm riding this wave and that there will will be times of huge crashing and times of soft ripples. Either way, I will still be riding it with eyes on Him.
These verses "come to me" many different ways: at church, on Facebook, in my devotional time, from a random song that will pop into my head or a snippet of a verse that will come to mind. (Thank goodness for Google, so I can search for the verse when I only have a few words put together in my memory.) I listen to multiple church podcasts, so they can come from that, or any books that I'm reading. I just never know how one will jump out at me, and grab my heart.
It seemed like for a couple of weeks, there has been a common theme in may of the different areas of my life. I just kept hearing different stories, verses or podcast sermons that had to do with "calming the storm" or "the storms of life", sometimes literally and sometimes more figuratively. One of the verses that I wrote in my journal is Psalm 107:28-29, Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. That theme of calming the storm is repeated often in the Bible, and I found it swirling in my head.
Then a few days ago, a friend of mine who is a nurse posted this on Facebook, "My totally confused, 98 year old, 89 pound little bit of spice patient grabbed my hand and told me, in her sweet Georgian accent- Sometimes the dear Lord calms the storm, but sometimes He let it be, and instead calms His child."
Wow, is that not a little sermon in one sentence? I now have a little bit of focus on this subject, and though its not a new idea, it brought me a little more clarity and a bit more understanding. Although there is much more to think and pray about. The storms of life are hard, but instead of just asking Him to calm the storm, why not ask to be calmed in the midst of the storm? Being calm in the midst of anxiety and depression sounds more then a bit odd I know, but I guess part of what I'm feeling is acceptance that I'm riding this wave and that there will will be times of huge crashing and times of soft ripples. Either way, I will still be riding it with eyes on Him.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Roller coaster ride
Can I get off yet? Normally, I like roller coasters. This one, not so much. It's just been such a weird week with emotions going up and down the whole time. Killer headache Sat/Sun and just tired on Monday for the most part.
Tuesday morning started off in a bit of a frenzy, with me getting ready for staff meeting, getting Tynan ready for pre-school and Brian getting ready for work and getting us all out the door with everything we need at the right time. I get that that's something that everyone does every day, but its not something we have to do very often, and has not happened very successfully in awhile. There were multiple times during the day that I just wanted to go back to bed, but pushed through it.
Wednesday morning was good, which almost surprised me since I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon. Usually, I'm pretty much a wreck the whole day before appointments, but I was fine. Until it was time to go. Then all I wanted to do was cancel the appointment and go to bed. But went anyway. I've never been so happy that the office we go to is about 10 minutes away. Got right into the office, but then had to wait for her to come in and that was pretty much torture. I texted some friends, tried to read, but basically just sat there trying to will her to get into the room. Right before she came in, I had to literally hold myself in the chair to resist the urge to open the door and yell, "REMEMBER, ANXIETY IS PART OF MY PROBLEM AND MAKING ME WAIT IS NOT HELPING!" Well, that's the clean version of what I wanted to say. When she finally came in the first thing she said was, "Well, this is an improvement over last time." I guess a fidgety, shaking, annoyed person is better the fidgety, shaking and crying puddle of goo that I was the last time I saw her. Progress.
The appointment went as well as it could, with her upping one of the doses of the head-meds and giving me something that will help me sleep a bit more. Not a sleeping pill, because I have no problem falling asleep, just staying asleep and getting into a restful sleep because I'm fidgeting so much. The rest of the day went fine, with the exception of Tynan the Bedtime Tantrumer who came for an unexpected and unwelcome visit that evening.
Yesterday about 2am the "mostly good" week came crashing down. No full blown panic attack, but I kept getting on the verge and talking myself down. Over and over again. That lasted all night, until about 10am. Then I totally crashed and had unable to motivate myself to do anything for hours. After a phone conversation with a friend, and my parents coming over to hang out with Tynan, I managed to get myself ready, telling myself that once I was there, I would be glad I was there. That's pretty much how it went. Fake-it-til-you-feel-it worked this time, it doesn't always. Tynan had a blast and looking at all costumes was interesting. Overall a good end to a bad day. Just had to push myself a bit.
Yet again, today was basically a complete turn around. Even after being up almost all night with Tynan who's came down with a sudden cold, I feel really good today. Even with taking care of a whiny, coughing little guy, I've been fine. Such a blessing and I'm praying it can last. I'm wanting to stay on solid ground for awhile.
Next week: first appointment with the christian counselor. Scary!!
Tuesday morning started off in a bit of a frenzy, with me getting ready for staff meeting, getting Tynan ready for pre-school and Brian getting ready for work and getting us all out the door with everything we need at the right time. I get that that's something that everyone does every day, but its not something we have to do very often, and has not happened very successfully in awhile. There were multiple times during the day that I just wanted to go back to bed, but pushed through it.
Wednesday morning was good, which almost surprised me since I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon. Usually, I'm pretty much a wreck the whole day before appointments, but I was fine. Until it was time to go. Then all I wanted to do was cancel the appointment and go to bed. But went anyway. I've never been so happy that the office we go to is about 10 minutes away. Got right into the office, but then had to wait for her to come in and that was pretty much torture. I texted some friends, tried to read, but basically just sat there trying to will her to get into the room. Right before she came in, I had to literally hold myself in the chair to resist the urge to open the door and yell, "REMEMBER, ANXIETY IS PART OF MY PROBLEM AND MAKING ME WAIT IS NOT HELPING!" Well, that's the clean version of what I wanted to say. When she finally came in the first thing she said was, "Well, this is an improvement over last time." I guess a fidgety, shaking, annoyed person is better the fidgety, shaking and crying puddle of goo that I was the last time I saw her. Progress.
The appointment went as well as it could, with her upping one of the doses of the head-meds and giving me something that will help me sleep a bit more. Not a sleeping pill, because I have no problem falling asleep, just staying asleep and getting into a restful sleep because I'm fidgeting so much. The rest of the day went fine, with the exception of Tynan the Bedtime Tantrumer who came for an unexpected and unwelcome visit that evening.
Yesterday about 2am the "mostly good" week came crashing down. No full blown panic attack, but I kept getting on the verge and talking myself down. Over and over again. That lasted all night, until about 10am. Then I totally crashed and had unable to motivate myself to do anything for hours. After a phone conversation with a friend, and my parents coming over to hang out with Tynan, I managed to get myself ready, telling myself that once I was there, I would be glad I was there. That's pretty much how it went. Fake-it-til-you-feel-it worked this time, it doesn't always. Tynan had a blast and looking at all costumes was interesting. Overall a good end to a bad day. Just had to push myself a bit.
Yet again, today was basically a complete turn around. Even after being up almost all night with Tynan who's came down with a sudden cold, I feel really good today. Even with taking care of a whiny, coughing little guy, I've been fine. Such a blessing and I'm praying it can last. I'm wanting to stay on solid ground for awhile.
Next week: first appointment with the christian counselor. Scary!!
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