Just checking in

Well here it is again, a few weeks has passed without me posting.  I have started a few times, but I get distracted easily and often.  There's been a lot on my mind, and it really is hard sometimes to really put it into words.  Thankful for some friends over the past few weeks that I can talk randomly to, but they are still ok with it!  

Overall, I've been doing well.  Feeling normal in my new abnormal, and accepting that.  No longer having many side effects from the head-meds, which is great.  The only real problem has been sleeping issues.  Really inconsistent and frustrating.  A good night here, a bad night there, with no real pattern to it.  The one thing I can be thankful for, even my "bad" nights now are nothing like they were a few months ago when I was lucky to get 3 whole hours a night.  I see my NP tomorrow, so we will talk about that. 

Today I cleaned out the last of Trevor's boxes. His last things.  Most of the hospital stuff I threw away forever ago, but there was some left.  Some blankets and stuffed animals that people gave, and some hospital gowns. It all just went back in a box. Gave Tynan Trevor's old roller blades since they now fit and the few other toys that we hadn't already pulled out.  Mostly it was clothes.  Some stuff that Ty can use now, but some that he won't grow into for a bit. I had to giggle when i saw one of the shirts because Trevor had worn it before he even turned 4.  Just to show how big Trevor was, when he was first diagnosed, he was 4 years and 4 months old.  Ty now is 8 months older then that but Trevor was almost 2 inches taller and 6 pounds heaver then Tynan is right now.  I think he would be so big now.  There are some things that I'm not sure if I will be ok seeing on Ty, but we will see.  If its too much, I will just box them back up.  

 Thank you to those of you that have been checking in on me, either through Facebook or text, it really does means a lot.  

"What are you worried about?"

"What happened?" 
"What are you upset about?"
"Everything seems fine, so what's the problem?"

These and many other questions have been asked of me these last few months.  My answer most of the time varies between "nothing" or "everything" because guess what?  I don't really know.  I've also heard a few times to just "get over it".
I've been blog quiet the past few weeks for a few different reasons.   Somewhat because of lack of time, but partly because I've had so many thoughts whirling around, that I couldn't have really made any kind of sense.  Although, this probably won't make much sense to most anyway.  Oh well. 
I chugged along through the week leading up to Christmas feeling really good, for the most part.  I didn't really feel like I was pushing myself at all, even though I was extra busy.  Especially the 3 days before Christmas, which were anywhere from 12-15 hours of activity with very little down time.  But I felt fine.  Kinda good.  And normal.  Christmas day was relaxing and fun.  Went to bed, and then woke up the morning of the 26th in a full on panic attack.  The first one in over a month.  Not just a little anxiety about something specific, but full blown panic mode, just for no real reason.  The only way I can describe it is heart racing, mind numbing, and every fiber of your body feels like it's zinging with electricity/on fire all at the same time.  I can't sit still or take in a full breath.  My head fells like it made of lead, and can get dizzy as well.   My mind races back in forth "what's going on", "why is this happening", and "what the heck is your problem, settle down." along with many other things, all at the same time.   The only "good" thing now is the fact that since I've had quite a few of them, I know some tricks to make them settle down a little quicker.  But it takes so much out of me.  Afterward, I'm exhausted and depressed, since it's not only physically taxing, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I've been told that it was likely "delayed stress" from the time of year and being so busy.  I get that, I really do but at the same time I get mad at myself about it.  Most people are busy like that all of the time, and they are just fine.  Why can't I be?  It's maddening. 
I guess I get that most people don't really understand all this.  Why would they, I don't really get it all that much either.  Unless you've experienced what I'm talking about, you just don't know.  It's just not the same as "normal" range of feelings and emotions.  It's just not.  I have multiple friends with chronic illnesses.  I don't understand what they go through day to day, the randomness of good days and bad and for them it's hard to fully describe it.  I guess this is the same.  I am grateful for those of you who have stepped forward to tell me about your experiences, and tell me that it's can be handled, even if it is always sorta there.  Just being able to talk is good.