Mothers Day

So Mother's Day is tomorrow, and to tell you the truth, I hate it. There are times that I literally cringe when someone says Happy Mothers Day to me. Although, I don't get sick to my stomach anymore. That's progress.  It's not that I don't love and appreciate my mom, it's that the hole that Trevor has left just seems that much wider on days like these, when families are "supposed" to be together or at least a phone call or FaceTime chat away. There are just days when his absence is felt more.  

Oh well. Throwing myself a pity party doesn't do any good. I truly do wish all my Mom friends a wonderful dat.  And my non-mom friends. You may not have kids in your house, but I've watched many of you be a mom to others kids. That's pretty cool since you do it out of love and not any obligation.  

Row, row, row your boat

I know that it's been a long time since I've posted. I've started, deleted and restarted writing so many times over the last few weeks.  I feel like I have so much to say, but almost no words to say it. Or words that just seem so inadequate.  Overall, I feel a lot better. Normal, I guess. 

I have more energy. More focus. Most of the time. In some ways, I can't believe the difference. 

I often am waking up before my alarm goes off instead of literally dragging myself out of bed only when I absolutely have to, only to hand Tynan some breakfast and lay back down on the couch. Nope. I actually get up and go walking. 2-4 miles almost every day.  Then I go home and shower. Everyday. Not every 3 days or so, and at the end of the day after spending hours trying to talk myself into it.   Icky. I know but that's how it got. I just didn't care.  

I'm spending more time in prayer and the Bible, although that can always be improved. I'm enjoying spending time with other people, instead of just wanting to be left alone. 

Not to say that it's all unicorns and roses, but my down times just don't seem to come as often or last as long and it's not so all consuming.  Not only do I feel like I've rejoined life, after feeling like I was just slogging through for way too long, but I'm trying to balance everything better, and making sure that I have some "me" time. Not perfect, but steps in a healthy direction. Physically, spiritually and emotionally trying, knowing that it's not by my own strength, but by the grace and hand of God that I am able to stand on my own two feet. 

A couple months ago, a bunch of Beth Moore books were free to download on my Kindle app. Reading her stuff takes me forever, because I literally have to stop and re-read parts over and over.  And then I feel like I have to have a few days to absorb the part I got through.  Makes me feel so dumb at times. 

Anyway, there is a part where she talks about your past, your heritage is a part of you and she equates that with how you row a boat.  She points out that when rowing it's proper to be sitting with your back to where you are going, looking back at where you've been.  She says "Some of us are so focused on our past, we're not rowing to our futures. Others are trying to turn their backs on their pasts with such denial that no matter how hard they row, they can't make any progress." 

Those sentences, and their meaning have taken over so much of my mind since I read them.  I feel like I've spent so much time rowing in circles!  I  might be reading to much meaning into an extremely minor part of this book, but since I do tend to overthink most everything, might as well use that energy on something that makes me think. One thing that I have really realized about myself is how much of a battle there is between the past, the now and the future.  In part, I struggle with feeling defined as "that mom whose kid died" and letting it dictate each decision I make, or trying to pretend that it doesn't define me at all. It's in the past, right?  Yes? No? Maybe? But it is a sicnificant part of my life. 

So here's my thoughts on it: 

 As I'm "rowing" through my life, I don't know what's ahead because I have my back to it. I can glance over my shoulder and get little snippets of a clue. I can even try to plan my route, but in all of it I just have to trust that God knows the direction and has a plan.  I don't just trust, I know. His Word promises it. Good old Jeremiah 29:11!   Yet, as I'm rowing, I always have my sights set on the past. The good, the bad, the joy and the sorrow. It's all there. I see it. I don't loose sight of it, but I'm not just sitting there floating around looking at it. I don't throw an anchor out and get stuck by it. Or jump in and be sucked down by it. No. I'm still moving away from it towards the future that God has for me.  I don't know what the future will bring, but just as I choose to trust that He had a greater reason for allowing cancer into our lives, even if I don't understand or like it, I will continue to trust that He knows better then I do. I may (ok, I will) get turned around and confused at times, but I know that He will use even that.

Things learned on a San Diego vacation...

Sitting here trying to get out of vacation mode and into work mode.  Not being successful yet.  So here's some totally random things I learned from our trip to San Diego. 

1.  When you haven't spent a night away from your house in well over a year, you pretty much take every "just in case" thing you have in your house. Yet forget the sunscreen or any other beach related item except a shovel & pail, and the only reason that was remembered was because your 5 year old went and got it.

2.  The cost of forgetting to bring sunscreen on vacation is about $5 more then it should be.

3.  A short 6 hour trip is very long when your 5 year old asks, "Are we almost there yet?" every 5 minutes for the first hour of the trip.  

4.  No matter how many times the grown ups in the car tell the aforementioned child that the arrival time would be well after dark, that only cuts down the "Are we almost there yet" to once every 20-30 minutes.  

5.    When you start to inform that same 5 year old what windmills are for, and he cuts you off to tell you that he already knows because of an episode of Paw Patrol (cartoon on Nickelodeon), you feel slightly better about your child watching tv.  

6.  Seeing a couple of 80something ladies high five each other will always bring a smile to your face.  

7.  Seeing a couple of 40somethings walk past you looking like they were transported from the 80s brings a completely different kind of look. (He had a permed looking mullet, with a sleeveless shirt and parachute pants, she had leopard print leggings, a short jean skirt and hair that looked like it was set with half a can of Aqua Net. 

8.  When a person has "pimped out" their bicycle, complete with custom rims, it does not make them appear has cool as they think they are.   

9.  When going to watch the sunset at the beach, make sure you mention that it is at the beach so you do not have to endure 20 minutes of a whiny child telling you just how much they don't want to watch the sunset. 

10.  It's very hard not to stare at the old lady falling asleep during a very loud Disney channel knock-off  concert.  The consequence of this action is a very dirty look from the lady when wakes up suddenly when her granddaughter pushes arm away from propping up her head. Like you are to blame for the interruption of her nap. 

11.  Sitting on the beach, listening to the sounds around you, it is impossible not be in awe of His creation. But that's another post...

Just checking in

Well here it is again, a few weeks has passed without me posting.  I have started a few times, but I get distracted easily and often.  There's been a lot on my mind, and it really is hard sometimes to really put it into words.  Thankful for some friends over the past few weeks that I can talk randomly to, but they are still ok with it!  

Overall, I've been doing well.  Feeling normal in my new abnormal, and accepting that.  No longer having many side effects from the head-meds, which is great.  The only real problem has been sleeping issues.  Really inconsistent and frustrating.  A good night here, a bad night there, with no real pattern to it.  The one thing I can be thankful for, even my "bad" nights now are nothing like they were a few months ago when I was lucky to get 3 whole hours a night.  I see my NP tomorrow, so we will talk about that. 

Today I cleaned out the last of Trevor's boxes. His last things.  Most of the hospital stuff I threw away forever ago, but there was some left.  Some blankets and stuffed animals that people gave, and some hospital gowns. It all just went back in a box. Gave Tynan Trevor's old roller blades since they now fit and the few other toys that we hadn't already pulled out.  Mostly it was clothes.  Some stuff that Ty can use now, but some that he won't grow into for a bit. I had to giggle when i saw one of the shirts because Trevor had worn it before he even turned 4.  Just to show how big Trevor was, when he was first diagnosed, he was 4 years and 4 months old.  Ty now is 8 months older then that but Trevor was almost 2 inches taller and 6 pounds heaver then Tynan is right now.  I think he would be so big now.  There are some things that I'm not sure if I will be ok seeing on Ty, but we will see.  If its too much, I will just box them back up.  

 Thank you to those of you that have been checking in on me, either through Facebook or text, it really does means a lot.  

"What are you worried about?"

"What happened?" 
"What are you upset about?"
"Everything seems fine, so what's the problem?"

These and many other questions have been asked of me these last few months.  My answer most of the time varies between "nothing" or "everything" because guess what?  I don't really know.  I've also heard a few times to just "get over it".
I've been blog quiet the past few weeks for a few different reasons.   Somewhat because of lack of time, but partly because I've had so many thoughts whirling around, that I couldn't have really made any kind of sense.  Although, this probably won't make much sense to most anyway.  Oh well. 
I chugged along through the week leading up to Christmas feeling really good, for the most part.  I didn't really feel like I was pushing myself at all, even though I was extra busy.  Especially the 3 days before Christmas, which were anywhere from 12-15 hours of activity with very little down time.  But I felt fine.  Kinda good.  And normal.  Christmas day was relaxing and fun.  Went to bed, and then woke up the morning of the 26th in a full on panic attack.  The first one in over a month.  Not just a little anxiety about something specific, but full blown panic mode, just for no real reason.  The only way I can describe it is heart racing, mind numbing, and every fiber of your body feels like it's zinging with electricity/on fire all at the same time.  I can't sit still or take in a full breath.  My head fells like it made of lead, and can get dizzy as well.   My mind races back in forth "what's going on", "why is this happening", and "what the heck is your problem, settle down." along with many other things, all at the same time.   The only "good" thing now is the fact that since I've had quite a few of them, I know some tricks to make them settle down a little quicker.  But it takes so much out of me.  Afterward, I'm exhausted and depressed, since it's not only physically taxing, but mentally and emotionally as well.  I've been told that it was likely "delayed stress" from the time of year and being so busy.  I get that, I really do but at the same time I get mad at myself about it.  Most people are busy like that all of the time, and they are just fine.  Why can't I be?  It's maddening. 
I guess I get that most people don't really understand all this.  Why would they, I don't really get it all that much either.  Unless you've experienced what I'm talking about, you just don't know.  It's just not the same as "normal" range of feelings and emotions.  It's just not.  I have multiple friends with chronic illnesses.  I don't understand what they go through day to day, the randomness of good days and bad and for them it's hard to fully describe it.  I guess this is the same.  I am grateful for those of you who have stepped forward to tell me about your experiences, and tell me that it's can be handled, even if it is always sorta there.  Just being able to talk is good.