I have more energy. More focus. Most of the time. In some ways, I can't believe the difference.
I often am waking up before my
alarm goes off instead of literally dragging myself out of bed
only when I absolutely have to, only to hand Tynan some breakfast and
lay back down on the couch. Nope. I actually get up and go walking. 2-4
miles almost every day. Then I go home and shower. Everyday. Not every 3
days or so, and at the end of the day after spending hours trying to
talk myself into it. Icky. I know but that's how it got. I just didn't
care.
I'm spending more time in prayer and the
Bible, although that can always be improved. I'm enjoying spending time
with other people, instead of just wanting to be left alone.
Not
to say that it's all unicorns and roses, but my down times just don't
seem to come as often or last as long and it's not so all consuming. Not
only do I feel like I've rejoined life, after feeling like I was just
slogging through for way too long, but I'm trying to balance everything
better, and making sure that I have some "me" time. Not perfect, but
steps in a healthy direction. Physically, spiritually and emotionally
trying, knowing that it's not by my own strength, but by the grace and
hand of God that I am able to stand on my own two feet.
A
couple months ago, a bunch of Beth Moore books were free to download on
my Kindle app. Reading her stuff takes me forever, because I literally
have to stop and re-read parts over and over. And then I feel like I
have to have a few days to absorb the part I got through. Makes me feel
so dumb at times.
Anyway, there is a part where she
talks about your past, your heritage is a part of you and she equates
that with how you row a boat. She points out that when rowing it's
proper to be sitting with your back to where you are going, looking back
at where you've been. She says "Some of us are so focused on our
past, we're not rowing to our futures. Others are trying to turn their
backs on their pasts with such denial that no matter how hard they row,
they can't make any progress."
Those sentences,
and their meaning have taken over so much of my mind since I read them.
I feel like I've spent so much time rowing in circles! I might
be reading to much meaning into an extremely minor part of this book,
but since I do tend to overthink most everything, might as well use that
energy on something that makes me think. One thing
that I have really realized about myself is how much of a battle there
is between the past, the now and the future. In part, I struggle with
feeling defined as "that mom whose kid died" and letting it dictate each
decision I make, or trying to pretend that it doesn't define me at all.
It's in the past, right? Yes? No? Maybe? But it is a sicnificant part
of my life.
So here's my thoughts on it:
As
I'm "rowing" through my life, I don't know what's ahead because I have
my back to it. I can glance over my shoulder and get little snippets of a
clue. I can even try to plan my route, but in all of it I just have to
trust that God knows the direction and has a plan. I don't just trust, I
know. His Word promises it. Good old Jeremiah 29:11! Yet, as I'm
rowing, I always have my sights set on the past. The good, the bad, the
joy and the sorrow. It's all there. I see it. I don't loose sight of it,
but I'm not just sitting there floating around looking at it. I don't
throw an anchor out and get stuck by it. Or jump in and be sucked down
by it. No. I'm still moving away from it towards the future that God has
for me. I don't know what the future will bring, but just as I choose
to trust that He had a greater reason for allowing cancer into our
lives, even if I don't understand or like it, I will continue to trust
that He knows better then I do. I may (ok, I will) get turned around and
confused at times, but I know that He will use even that.
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