Looking Back, Looking Forward

As usual, this time of year has me reliving the past.  10 years.  10 years!!  That just seems forever ago, and yet I can remember so much in so much detail that it takes my breath away.  Such a difficult balance sometimes for me to remember, because forgetting isn't an option, and not getting lost in those memories.  To look to the future.  Or even living in today.  Of course, time moves on no matter what, and boy do we have  a lot coming up in our lives. 
We have sold our house in Chandler and will be moving the first week of November to our new house in Gilbert (southeast side of Gilbert/Warner).  Moving to a whole other city sounds like a big deal but it's really just 5 miles away from the current house.  We've lived in this house a little over 12 years and, OMGosh, there is so much to pack!  The first 5 years of our marriage, we lived in 4 different places, so we seemed to be always purging things.  But 12 years in a house means that there were many times where things just got stuck in the attic or the shed.  Yikes!  We've gotten rid of some things, but since the new house is 1000 square feet bigger then what we have now, we're not getting rid of much.  Gotta fill some of that space somehow.  :) 
A few people have asked me what prompted the move, and more specifically, what prompted the increase in size of the home since there is just the 3 of us.  Well, it's mostly because we are hoping that sometime in the next year or so, we will be adding more people to our household.  No babies are coming, at least not from a conventional way, and likely they won't be babies.  In January, Brian and I will start classes that we hope will end in us adopting from the foster care system.  We are open to adopting a sibling set, and in our minds that meant two, but from the moment we talked to Tynan about it, he's been praying for 3 more kids.  When I asked him why 3, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Because we need more kids."  Soooo, yeah.  There's that.  We will see what God has in store. We are trusting Him in all of this.  We have seen His hand in so much of our lives, that we know that His plan will be perfect, no matter how crazy it seems to us at the time.  It always is. 
10 years ago, if you would have told me that we'd be where we are now, I would have said you were crazy.  10 years ago, I was selfishly thinking that Trevor would be our only child because being pregnant was just too hard on me.  I think that's one of many things that loosing Trevor did for me.  It showed me that however difficult, it's worth it.  Kids are worth it.  Tynan driving me nuts is worth it.  Being able to be a Mom to kids whose birth mom can't Mom them, is going to be worth it.  It's going to be hard, and often I think that I'm crazy for adding more craziness to our lives, but I know that God has brought us to this.  That there are kids that, while in His perfect plan would be with their birth parents, in this imperfect world, the most perfect thing would be for them to be with us.  I'm totally scared and totally excited. 
Please be praying for us in all of this.  Often, I find it difficult to pray coherently about what is going on in our lives.  The logistics of moving, Tynan in a new school, and the adoption process.  It can make my head spin, and I just find it so much easier to pray for others.  Thankful for those around us that pray and support us,  Thankful that the Spirit knows our prayers, and can make sense of our nonsense and stumbling over words, because boy do I stumble! 

In awe!

Tuesday morning edit:  
I wrote the following on Sunday but didn't really have the chance to post it.  Works out for me because I have something to add.  I love staff meeting days!  Most people would likely think that I'm crazy, but seriously, Cornerstone staff meeting are great.  We meet a couple times a month, and we start out each meeting with the question, "Where have we seen God working?"  It's always such a great part, but today was just what I needed.  Story after story after story of the cool and amazing things that God is doing in Cornerstone and around our city.   We know that we aren't the ones responsible, we can merely be the tools to make His work happen.  Boy, it is happening!  Then we get to pray in small groups for those requests that have been sent in as well as verbal ones that come up.  Then worship time together.  All that happens before we really get to "business".  Love being part of a staff that can laugh (and tease) and celebrate together as a group as well as lean on each other in the crazy times.  (And it's always crazy.)

Ok, and now for the post from Sunday. 

Today before the 10:35 service here at Cornerstone, I was struck again watching a crowd of a couple hundred people waiting in line for church, and watching people stream in from way out in the parking lot, and watching people waiting in line to check in and drop off their kids to classes. I just am floored. It's kinda hard to come to church here. Not hard in comparison to most of the world where it is truly hard to attend church, but it's an inconvenience. We live in such a convenience driven, give-it-to-me-now, fast food country that the fact that people will go through these inconveniences to come and hear the Word of God, it just floors me. God has given us the extreme honor of sending more and more people to this place. People who are just trying to figure out who Jesus is to the baby Christians, to those who have been followers for years and are seeking to serve Him more.  They just keep coming. Thank you God for this opportunity to be just the tiniest part of it. There is no human reason why they keep coming, I know it's only a miracle of You. Please keep our hearts and minds, my heart and mind continuously open to what You are doing in our church, our city, our country and our world. And I pray that I never loose the awe or get distracted by the busyness and the difficulty of working in ministry to notice the amazing work that You are doing.

A New Start

 

I don't often do New Years Resolutions.  Ok, I never do them.  Mostly because I feel that any day can be the start of a "new you" or new habit and that it doesn't matter what the calendar says.  You start when you are ready.  Today I am ready. I think.  So my "new me" item is starting on January 6th instead of the 1st.  I'm weird like that.
My goal for this year is that I want to write more.  And maybe even share a little.  Maybe once a week.  Maybe once a month.  Maybe sometimes daily.  I don't know.   But more for sure.  I write all the time--in my head.  Yet, I'm almost never brave enough to put it down on paper, let alone actually do it online and maybe hit the Publish button.  Someone might read it, and that is just scary.   I want this to be a different place for me to write, not just when I'm feeling down or things about Trevor.  I thought about starting a whole new site, but just feel a bit too lazy at the moment to do that, so for now, here it will stay. 
Why might I hit the Publish button at the end of this post, instead of just saving it for myself?  It's not like I will have something to say that hasn't been said before, I'm sure.  I'm just not that smart. Maybe it's because sometimes reading what another has written will remind me of a truth.  Maybe it's because sometimes reading what another has written will give me encouragement. Maybe it's because sometimes reading what another has written will help me understand that I'm not alone in my thoughts and my feelings. Who knows?  Maybe someone will actually like it.  So here's the start of something new.  More for me then for anyone else.  Working on a few posts already. 

Mothers Day

So Mother's Day is tomorrow, and to tell you the truth, I hate it. There are times that I literally cringe when someone says Happy Mothers Day to me. Although, I don't get sick to my stomach anymore. That's progress.  It's not that I don't love and appreciate my mom, it's that the hole that Trevor has left just seems that much wider on days like these, when families are "supposed" to be together or at least a phone call or FaceTime chat away. There are just days when his absence is felt more.  

Oh well. Throwing myself a pity party doesn't do any good. I truly do wish all my Mom friends a wonderful dat.  And my non-mom friends. You may not have kids in your house, but I've watched many of you be a mom to others kids. That's pretty cool since you do it out of love and not any obligation.  

Row, row, row your boat

I know that it's been a long time since I've posted. I've started, deleted and restarted writing so many times over the last few weeks.  I feel like I have so much to say, but almost no words to say it. Or words that just seem so inadequate.  Overall, I feel a lot better. Normal, I guess. 

I have more energy. More focus. Most of the time. In some ways, I can't believe the difference. 

I often am waking up before my alarm goes off instead of literally dragging myself out of bed only when I absolutely have to, only to hand Tynan some breakfast and lay back down on the couch. Nope. I actually get up and go walking. 2-4 miles almost every day.  Then I go home and shower. Everyday. Not every 3 days or so, and at the end of the day after spending hours trying to talk myself into it.   Icky. I know but that's how it got. I just didn't care.  

I'm spending more time in prayer and the Bible, although that can always be improved. I'm enjoying spending time with other people, instead of just wanting to be left alone. 

Not to say that it's all unicorns and roses, but my down times just don't seem to come as often or last as long and it's not so all consuming.  Not only do I feel like I've rejoined life, after feeling like I was just slogging through for way too long, but I'm trying to balance everything better, and making sure that I have some "me" time. Not perfect, but steps in a healthy direction. Physically, spiritually and emotionally trying, knowing that it's not by my own strength, but by the grace and hand of God that I am able to stand on my own two feet. 

A couple months ago, a bunch of Beth Moore books were free to download on my Kindle app. Reading her stuff takes me forever, because I literally have to stop and re-read parts over and over.  And then I feel like I have to have a few days to absorb the part I got through.  Makes me feel so dumb at times. 

Anyway, there is a part where she talks about your past, your heritage is a part of you and she equates that with how you row a boat.  She points out that when rowing it's proper to be sitting with your back to where you are going, looking back at where you've been.  She says "Some of us are so focused on our past, we're not rowing to our futures. Others are trying to turn their backs on their pasts with such denial that no matter how hard they row, they can't make any progress." 

Those sentences, and their meaning have taken over so much of my mind since I read them.  I feel like I've spent so much time rowing in circles!  I  might be reading to much meaning into an extremely minor part of this book, but since I do tend to overthink most everything, might as well use that energy on something that makes me think. One thing that I have really realized about myself is how much of a battle there is between the past, the now and the future.  In part, I struggle with feeling defined as "that mom whose kid died" and letting it dictate each decision I make, or trying to pretend that it doesn't define me at all. It's in the past, right?  Yes? No? Maybe? But it is a sicnificant part of my life. 

So here's my thoughts on it: 

 As I'm "rowing" through my life, I don't know what's ahead because I have my back to it. I can glance over my shoulder and get little snippets of a clue. I can even try to plan my route, but in all of it I just have to trust that God knows the direction and has a plan.  I don't just trust, I know. His Word promises it. Good old Jeremiah 29:11!   Yet, as I'm rowing, I always have my sights set on the past. The good, the bad, the joy and the sorrow. It's all there. I see it. I don't loose sight of it, but I'm not just sitting there floating around looking at it. I don't throw an anchor out and get stuck by it. Or jump in and be sucked down by it. No. I'm still moving away from it towards the future that God has for me.  I don't know what the future will bring, but just as I choose to trust that He had a greater reason for allowing cancer into our lives, even if I don't understand or like it, I will continue to trust that He knows better then I do. I may (ok, I will) get turned around and confused at times, but I know that He will use even that.

Things learned on a San Diego vacation...

Sitting here trying to get out of vacation mode and into work mode.  Not being successful yet.  So here's some totally random things I learned from our trip to San Diego. 

1.  When you haven't spent a night away from your house in well over a year, you pretty much take every "just in case" thing you have in your house. Yet forget the sunscreen or any other beach related item except a shovel & pail, and the only reason that was remembered was because your 5 year old went and got it.

2.  The cost of forgetting to bring sunscreen on vacation is about $5 more then it should be.

3.  A short 6 hour trip is very long when your 5 year old asks, "Are we almost there yet?" every 5 minutes for the first hour of the trip.  

4.  No matter how many times the grown ups in the car tell the aforementioned child that the arrival time would be well after dark, that only cuts down the "Are we almost there yet" to once every 20-30 minutes.  

5.    When you start to inform that same 5 year old what windmills are for, and he cuts you off to tell you that he already knows because of an episode of Paw Patrol (cartoon on Nickelodeon), you feel slightly better about your child watching tv.  

6.  Seeing a couple of 80something ladies high five each other will always bring a smile to your face.  

7.  Seeing a couple of 40somethings walk past you looking like they were transported from the 80s brings a completely different kind of look. (He had a permed looking mullet, with a sleeveless shirt and parachute pants, she had leopard print leggings, a short jean skirt and hair that looked like it was set with half a can of Aqua Net. 

8.  When a person has "pimped out" their bicycle, complete with custom rims, it does not make them appear has cool as they think they are.   

9.  When going to watch the sunset at the beach, make sure you mention that it is at the beach so you do not have to endure 20 minutes of a whiny child telling you just how much they don't want to watch the sunset. 

10.  It's very hard not to stare at the old lady falling asleep during a very loud Disney channel knock-off  concert.  The consequence of this action is a very dirty look from the lady when wakes up suddenly when her granddaughter pushes arm away from propping up her head. Like you are to blame for the interruption of her nap. 

11.  Sitting on the beach, listening to the sounds around you, it is impossible not be in awe of His creation. But that's another post...

Just checking in

Well here it is again, a few weeks has passed without me posting.  I have started a few times, but I get distracted easily and often.  There's been a lot on my mind, and it really is hard sometimes to really put it into words.  Thankful for some friends over the past few weeks that I can talk randomly to, but they are still ok with it!  

Overall, I've been doing well.  Feeling normal in my new abnormal, and accepting that.  No longer having many side effects from the head-meds, which is great.  The only real problem has been sleeping issues.  Really inconsistent and frustrating.  A good night here, a bad night there, with no real pattern to it.  The one thing I can be thankful for, even my "bad" nights now are nothing like they were a few months ago when I was lucky to get 3 whole hours a night.  I see my NP tomorrow, so we will talk about that. 

Today I cleaned out the last of Trevor's boxes. His last things.  Most of the hospital stuff I threw away forever ago, but there was some left.  Some blankets and stuffed animals that people gave, and some hospital gowns. It all just went back in a box. Gave Tynan Trevor's old roller blades since they now fit and the few other toys that we hadn't already pulled out.  Mostly it was clothes.  Some stuff that Ty can use now, but some that he won't grow into for a bit. I had to giggle when i saw one of the shirts because Trevor had worn it before he even turned 4.  Just to show how big Trevor was, when he was first diagnosed, he was 4 years and 4 months old.  Ty now is 8 months older then that but Trevor was almost 2 inches taller and 6 pounds heaver then Tynan is right now.  I think he would be so big now.  There are some things that I'm not sure if I will be ok seeing on Ty, but we will see.  If its too much, I will just box them back up.  

 Thank you to those of you that have been checking in on me, either through Facebook or text, it really does means a lot.